I find myself in this crazy situation. I’m in my early 40’s, divorced a couple of times (we will leave numbers out of this), I have two beautiful children (one biological, one adopted) with two different fathers, two custody battles, unemployed other than some part-time work, and trying to make it in a crazy, unaffordable, but beautiful town. What is a mother to do? Well, this one has done a lot- I have thrown fits, cried myself to sleep, been depressed…. none of those seem to be helping, so today is the dawn of a new day. And it’s not even dawn yet. I don’t sleep much, so my loving mother suggested I start writing. She says I need a project. Well, I might as well since I have the time, and nothing else seems to be working… so, hello! Here’s my little virtual soap box where I can write anonymously, bitch about what is not working in my life, and hopefully sort though my issues, record the craziness of my life, in the hopes that one day I will look back on this and laugh and say it was all worth it. Will I? Just asking myself that brings tears to my eyes. I always thought of myself as completely ‘put-together.’ I was the person I wanted to be. I am smart, very educated, physically fit, I look young for my age, I’m told I’m attractive, I have two AMAZING kids, loving friends, an incredible family – I am set up for success….but that success is eluding me right now. Instead I am stuck, sad, sleep-deprived, stressed, and disappointed in myself. How did that happen? Can I put my finger on the one thing that led me down the ‘wrong path?’ Was that path wrong, or do I just think so now because I don’t have everything figured out? I thought my 40’s would be filled with family, fun, a rewarding career, a stable marriage with a life-partner; that I would be part of a team, and not just a team, but a winning team. And as I write this, I have this little voice that is trying to scream to me that I have all that I need, that I am winning, that I am lucky, and my children are my success. It’s that little optimist in me that I don’t allow to come to the surface completely. She’s there, I don’t banish her completely, and sometimes I wonder why she persists and gives me chances day after day as I push her down to what I feel is an appropriate level so that I have just the right amount of self-pity.
I have so many thoughts and ideas to discuss and explore. I am overwhelmed by all of the topics I now find myself wanting to write about. Why did I wait so long to take my mom’s advice? Why do I dwell on questions like that? I took it, I enlisted the help of a good friend to get me started, and here I am. Live in the present, dammit. Stop looking back, and just move forward. So forward it is. I want to make dramatic changes. I envision myself down the road, now this is silly – don’t laugh, as a motivational speaker that tells the story of this terrible place I was, and how I changed the world. How? I have no fucking idea. But I want to. I need to. I am dying for some purpose, some greatness, and something to accomplish. So I start here. I start with this little blog, and I will tackle topic after depressing topic of my little life in hopes that I can validate it with myself and move on. It’s time to get unstuck. I love to dance, and in dance, like any hobby, you reach a plateau and some breakthrough is required in order to advance to the next level and achieve greatness. So, 5,6,7,8, here I go.
mommydancexi 