What is it about early morning?

So here I am.  It’s quiet.  It’s dark.  It’s 4am.  I am up.  I usually find myself up in the early morning hours.  I mostly stress about the fact that I am not sleeping and that I will be exhausted during the day, which brings me to the unfailing inability to sleep through the night over and over again.  So today I will try something new, and just accept it.  So, I’ll be tired.  There are worse things.  I have been tired before, and I will be tired again. Next.

This week the kids and I are visiting my parents and extended family.  It’s been a beautiful week and I have enjoyed our trip immensely.  Today we honor and celebrate my grandfather’s 90th birthday.  He has been a man that has made a profound (and I’m not necessarily talking in a good way) impact on so many of our lives. Even I, his granddaughter, did not escape his overreaching power to bring upset and sadness into my life years ago. (We all have dysfunction in our families, so I’m not feeling like a victim, just keeping it real). He and my saint of a grandmother (rest her soul) raised 5 children, are/were proud grandparents to I don’t know how many grandchildren, and now a handful of great grand children, mine being 2 of them. My grandmother passed away as I adopted my daughter, and even when she was sick, she took the time to make her a baby blanket.  She crocheted the cozy pink blanket (that my daughter isn’t allowed to touch), and it has a big line where she messed up the pattern, much like God messed up by taking her from us, and that is my favorite part of that prized possession of mine. …. I digress –

My grandfather served our country in the second World War, which I find incredibly honorary of him. I know he has had many wonderful qualities, and I don’t mean to be down on him, but he has also caused a great deal of pain to most, if not all, of his children.  That part is the sad legacy to leave behind.  I traveled the distance this week, not for him, but to spend time with my extended family and to support my mother; she is amazing with family events/milestones, and puts her heart and soul into making these occasions meaningful and special.  She is the reason why I take family so seriously.  Her unfaltering love, her ability to forgive, and her ability to accept without visible judgment (who knows what goes on in that wise mind of hers) are all qualities, or shall I call them abilities, that I admire most about her.  I know my children don’t always see the true me – the sad me, the part where I doubt my actions, decisions, and worry that I am doing what is right for them.  I don’t know if my mother lived with the fears and anxieties I live with when it came to raising my brother, sister, and myself; we are all very different children, but I think she did a stellar job.  The light I cast her in is the all-knowing and all fixing one. I still do the things she told me to as a child:  when life gets too hard and overwhelming, I take a bath.  A bath just fixes problems.  Why? Because she told me so, so try it.  (If you live in California – take a small one because we are in a drought).  My mother’s complete dedication to family is the reason why I went through so much to stay at home with my children.  She was there for us; she was always there.  After school she picked us up, she was home to struggle through schoolwork with me; I hated when she edited my papers because she caused so much ‘extra work,’ however, secretly I knew it would be worth it because I always turned in something I was proud of.  I learned how to make a production out of school projects; I had the most creative spin on any school assignment thanks to her creative visions.  She packed healthy lunches, she took me to doctor appointments since I was a stressed out teen, she drove me to singing lessons, show rehearsals, friend’s houses, all of it.  We were her job and she took it seriously.  I like to think I do that with my kids.  They are still too young, but I see early results, some good and some in need of help, in my children.  But it’s the job I always wanted.  I thought I’d have a partner to do it with, but that’s a subject for another day….or month.

To almost wrap up my rambling post, last night my mother prepared a wonderful dinner and pre-party for my grandfather.  She did it masterfully, and I was simply happy to be here. I don’t mean it was nice to be here, I mean at my core, I was HAPPY.   I could have been at a dance competition last night, which are events I rarely get to attend but absolutely love, but last night there was nowhere else I wanted to be.  My daughter met her great uncles for the first time, my son was the technology guy figuring out how we are going to Skype with my cousins in Ireland today, and I was totally and completely present in the moment. I didn’t even check my phone – whoa.

While doing the dishes I had a chance to talk with my aunt and she gave me ideas for new ways of thinking – she is good like that. My state of unemployment is this weight I carry on my shoulders.  She, like my mother, told me that I do have the most important job in raising my kids, and that my focus on finding full-time employment needs to go to the back-burner.  I am not sure how I am going to finance this operation, but since stressing and worrying about it hasn’t helped I decided to keep my vow of changing my life, and I am going to give that advice a whirl. Afterall, I want to enjoy life and not constantly fret about it.  This worrier wants to laugh and dance with my children and truley  live in the moment, not the Hallmark way, but the real way.  So today, as we celebrate 90 years for Grandpa, I am going to celebrate the day with the people I love.  I can do that.  Tired or not tired, today will be a good day because I am going to be there, really really be there.  I hope you are there in your life today too.