I have gotten into the habit of writing in the morning, but tonight I felt inclined to try an evening post. I find myself so much more optimistic in the morning. Perhaps it’s the promise of a new day, and with that, much to accomplish. I love to accomplish; I long to accomplish. Oftentimes at night I am reflecting on what I didn’t do, bad things that happened, worries for tomorrow, and sometimes just plain loneliness. Last night, after a promising morning, my day fell apart and by the evening I experienced a heart-aching loneliness that I haven’t felt in some time. I simply let myself feel the dark space, and it eventually passed. I am pleased that I didn’t reach out or try to fill the space. Instead I just sat with it, and now I have moved on knowing that I can survive such episodes. There’s power in knowing that.
Since the return of our trip my quick fix to life is having a clean and clutter free house. My mission is to clear my space, organize my loose ends, and make everything sparkle, thus making room for new experiences and opportunities. This is day three of my intention to purge and clean, and even though I have grand plans to start with my filing, my life keeps getting in the way. So tonight when my lessons canceled, I was excited because I was going to sieze the opportunity and clean! But then a good friend called and invited me out, and it was way more important to go meet her and for our sons to be together, so I rightfully chose that. And then I was going to come home and clean up, but my little guy has been dying to show me this new game, and that was way more important, so I played with him. And just now I put a couple of items in the dishwasher and the blog called to me, and cleaning my soul just seemed way more important, so I’m doing this. And when I am done here, sleeping will be way more important than my clean house, and tomorrow I will find new ways to put it off. And so it goes.
My thoughts are quite scattered at the end of the day, much more so than they are in the morning. My words aren’t flowing as easily, but I do want to finish this last subject because today was an emotional day for me. I made a big decision around getting unstuck and I was scared. I recognized my fears and anxieties, and I went ahead and made a bold and big leap regardless. Yay me… I think. I have no idea if it will work or not, what the backlash will be, but I took action anyway and it scared the shit out of me. Risks didn’t bother me as much in my 20’s and early 30’s, but when you have two little lives to consider, it’s way scarier. On my way home from my attorney’s office, Rachel Platten’s ‘Fight Song’ came on the radio.
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong, I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
Music affects me in every way. To know me is to understand that I will always have Pandora playing in the background, and that Ed Sheeran and I have a deep love affair filled with intimate moments of reflection and deep feelings. (I am not put-off by the fact he does not know me and that we have never met; our connection is deeper than that). While listening to Rachel’s song today, my mood shifted. I felt a strength deep down inside, (my gut maybe?) and I felt calmer than I had all day. Right or wrong, good or bad, I was being the change agent I used to be. Waiting around wasn’t serving me. My passive, not wanting to rock-the-boat style wasn’t working to make the waters smoother. Crying wasn’t doing much good either, so dammit, I just did SOMETHING to fight for me and my children. My fear of the repercussions of my actions quieted down and I just FELT like I could handle them if needed. It felt good. Later I received a call about a job that I had dismissed, and even though it’s not an opportunity that is going to solve my immediate problems, it was something. And then a second possibility for a job, that again, isn’t the answer, but it introduced yet another possibility. It was something. Hell, I needed something today, and I received. Who cares if my house is a mess, and my space isn’t cleared out yet. It will be. But tomorrow I have a job exploration and informational interview. And tonight, in contrast to last night, I can rejoice in my new theme song, and I can celebrate that my son began an activity he actually loves, find gratitude that my friends and I connected, that I am fighting to take control of my life again….all while my house is a mess!
mommydancexi 