I Love The Quiet

As I sit here this morning with my cup of coffee, I love hearing the sound of nothing.  Kids are asleep, everything is still except for my racing thoughts.  I made huge progress this week, yet not much has tangibly changed. That’s ok, it will. Change is certain.  I have a timeline in my head that I would like to see play out, but I am too scared to put it in writing as my plans generally fall to pieces and the universe does her thing.  So, no plan.  (Ok, maybe little ones).

Hoping not to sound too altruistic, but I was in touch with my higher self this week.  I intentionally made decisions that were for the better good of my family, and not just what I wanted to do.  I am pretty damn proud of myself for that.  Put a paycheck to it and life would be grand, maybe a hundred grand.  In all seriousness though, living this way is priceless.  It’s hard, I’m still in a big hot mess, but I feel my integrity intact, and that feels so, so good.  I am listening to me, want to know I have to say?

Be kind and think of how others feel before acting.

Be strong and do what needs to be done (or at least plan to, since I didn’t break it off with the guy yet, but it’s coming, boy is it coming).

Be thankful. I am so rich in love and support from family and friends.  I have so many that are cheering me on, that listen to me, and that don’t see me as the failure I oftentimes feel I am.

Change. Do. Take Action.  This is my biggest one.  I can no longer afford, financially or emotionally, to stay stuck, so I’m making changes and it feels good.

I sat down with my most current ex husband this week for a negotiation that lasted for a couple of hours.  It was hard, emotional, and intense.  There isn’t any trust in that relationship.  I looked at him in the eyes trying to remember why I once loved him. I saw glimmers of it here and there, but what I felt most were uncontrollable moments of disappointment, anger and betrayal.  I couldn’t keep my tears back as we talked and I told him how my heart aches because I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and instead I’m interviewing for very humbling jobs.  We were supposed to take the world by storm and create a future we wanted to live into, raise children that we cherished together, and love one another.  That dream has come and gone.  I’m conflicted because most of me now doesn’t want to be with anyone.  I don’t believe in happily ever after, and I am embracing being on my own…yet a little part of me wants that dream back.  (not him, just with Ed Sheeran).  We agreed to stop the lawyers and try to work on how to financially survive in this beautifully, yet tragically expensive valley. We didn’t come to any earth-shattering solutions, but we communicated well.  I was the bigger person that day and conceded to terms I didn’t need to, but I knew those concessions would make life more tolerable. I showed compassion for all that he is going through. I ignored what I knew were twisted truths for my little girl’s benefit.  I was a true grownup.  And then he forgot to pick up our daughter from preschool…..and I took it all in stride.  Emotional Progress.

This is the most independent I have ever been in my life.  I am not tied to anyone but my kids, and I am focused on making a fun and fulfilling life.  I would like a little guidance on how that is all going to happen, but for now I should embrace that it already is.  Ok, it’s time to make some noise today.  Have a good one.