It’s so hard, I haven’t done it yet. Ugh. I have been sick to my stomach for days, and it’s been hanging over my head for a couple of weeks knowing that I need to break things off with the guy. Why am I in such agony? Will I miss him? Not really, but a little. Will I cry? I don’t think so. Am I scared to be alone? No, I’m craving it. Then why am I so upset? Because I am going to hurt his feelings. Will he get over me? Pretty quick I think. Will he be mean or fight for me? Nope. Will he understand and respect me? Yes. So again I ask, what is my problem and why is it consuming me so much?
The short answer: it is going to be terribly uncomfortable and sad, and will cause disappointment. That brings on different strains of anxiety in me. He hasn’t done anything wrong; he’s stable, handsome, intelligent, he’s so nice to me and my kids….. so explaining that this relationship just isn’t right for me is going to be hard. And trust me, it’s not right. ( I could repeat history and make it work fine, but my intuition is screaming at me that he isn’t right, so ok gut, I’m finally listening before I get married). He may ask if he can change a few things, and I will have to say no. I have noticed that I get anxious when I stick up for myself and what I need; it’s much easier for me to make the other person happy at my expense. I am not doing that anymore. Oh the years I have spent devoting myself to others that don’t deserve it – D O N E. And this poor, nice man has the unfortunate opportunity for ME to practice loving and respecting ME.
It strikes me now, I have lost the dream. I don’t believe in happily ever after anymore; not only have I experienced the pain of being cheated on, lied to, the conflict and upset that goes with fighting, and the disappointment of falling out of love, but I watch it around me. There are people I love and care about in loveless relationships, wish they were on greener grass, feel stuck, trapped, are cheating on their partner, or feel that they have lost themselves. What happened to growing old together? I wanted family traditions, rituals, kisses at night, hugs and love every morning, and to be the center of someone’s universe and them, mine. Society raised me with this image of what a relationship should be like, how marriage means happily ever after – So I say to you, Society, I think there was a time and place for the institution of marriage, but it’s past. Society, we have dramatically changed the world and become so technology-driven with connections abound, that I don’t think conventional marriage stands a chance. That is my experience, my truth. I only envision myself living through a series of monogamous relationships – in and out of love, but holding strong with me.
Well that’s just great for me, but what am I teaching my children? What kind of example am I setting? They deserve wild happiness for the rest of their lives, and I wish them to share it with someone special like I always thought I would. However, their role model is showing them that the person they share special things with changes. They don’t even receive fair and honest explanations as to why that is….My son does not hear the truth of my marriage to his father because it paints his dad in a bad light, and I am choosing not to do that. And shit, I have no clue what I will say to my daughter, first about her birthparents, and then her parents. I have a lot of explaining to do. A lot to explain to myself….but first, he’s coming to dinner tonight, and I have to explain it to him. Wish me luck.
mommydancexi 