I am single again. All the stress, all the worry, all the anticipation, ALL DONE! I am so proud of myself; I am living my truth. I FINALLY listened to me, followed my intuition, and my two days of being back on my own, I feel great. I’m exhausted, but exhilarated. It’s taking me some time to get my thoughts in writing because I’m living instead of worrying. That said, I do want to document my feelings so that I can come back to this moment when the loneliness barges in and the depression steals my pleasure. I want to remember how freeing it feels to have taken care of myself and the kids first. I feel unstoppable, that this is MY life, and I have the power to shape it any way I want (within reason; Ed Sheeran still hasn’t called me). I feel alive and full of possibilities instead of limits. I feel gratitude and excitement for my days ahead. I am h a p p y.
I often go hiking with one of my very best friends, W. Our hikes consist of philosophical pondering, bitching, gossip, body image talk, and we often focus on making drastic and positive changes in our lives. I was actually skipping down the trail with her the morning after the dreaded talk. W was laughing at my narcissism as I was taking complete pleasure in myself because of my authentic ‘share’ with my now ex-boyfriend. [*Please Note: It was incredibly sad, painful, and difficult time. I cried my eyes out and I hurt one of the nicest men I have met in a long time. None of this rejoice is in losing him, rather it’s in finding me. He’s a perfect guy with incredible qualities, he’s just not perfect for me]. Single Through Summer – W and I made an agreement; we are going to stay single for the entire Summer. We even clarified if that meant July or August, and I chose August. We moved on and made a goal for the month, but that is for another post. I am addicted to personal progress. More, I want more.
On a loosely related note, I went for a drink with an ex-boyfriend of mine last night. We broke up around 9 months ago, and dated for about a year prior. He, although a good person at heart, also was not right for me. Our relationship was full of strife, extreme highs and lows, and I hated who I was and how I felt while I was with him. I waited so long to end that relationship; too long. It was good to look my past in the eye last night and for my heart to say loudly, ‘never again.’ Never again will I go against what I know to be my truth. Never again will I put anyone’s feelings above mine for the longterm (other than my children of course). Never again will I sacrifice my integrity and settle for anything less than what is right in my heart. Sometimes you need a visit from the past to help secure the right path for the future. And facing the dark and ugly parts of me, forgiving them, and vowing to help them create a positive future is about all I can do. I am heading into my weekend feeling like Solo is the way to go; one isn’t lonely, it’s freeing…. how long will this feeling last?
mommydancexi 