Month: June 2015

Well, it’s Father’s Day today, and it’s certainly an interesting day in my home.  My son tells everyone he doesn’t have a father, and therefore he deems it ‘Brother’s Day,’ in honor of all he does for his little sister.  I’m not quite sure what to do that attitude because he does have a father, (and they enjoy each other’s company when they see one another), but he only visits a couple of times a year for 2 days, and they rarely speak in between.  Biological dad has chosen the path of un-involvement, which I will never understand, but that’s his tragic loss.  Because I love my son so much, I used to help pay for biological dad’s airline flights out to visit, allowed him to stay in my home with us, gave him the use of my car – I used to even buy birthday and Christmas presents ‘from him’, all in the hopes that my son would feel loved and valued by the dad he desperately wants.   It’s difficult for my little guy when he sees other dads, men, big brothers, even my dance partner, and craves their attention. Recently my girlfriend’s husband has been hanging out with him for video-game boy nights, and my son is infatuated.  I don’t think the Gamer Dad realizes what an impact he has and continues to make on a little boy that has to pick and choose the behaviors of other fathers and piece them together, like a puzzle, to realize the full picture of what it means to be a father.

I always feel that I have failed him in this area of his life.  Others tell me that I am the one that has been failed, but I take responsibility for my son’s situation, and I can only be supportive of the healing needed because of his absent father.  But then I think about what it means to have a father, and is he really missing all of the pieces?  The unconditional love, the role modeling, the teaching the ‘man stuff,’ sports, paling around…. we do that.  It may not be the same as having the traditional dad-in-home, but when have I been traditional?  I grew up with my father in our home.  He worked a lot, and was/is an excellent provider.  My memories include time spent on the boat, summers in Catalina, anchoring off the oil islands, beach parties, and I wanted for nothing.  But I didn’t feel like he and I had a deep connection.  I *may* have taken some extreme measures in my late teens, perhaps angry with him over a myriad of issues……. or I was just a difficult adolescent (hard to imagine, I know).  In my terrible rebellion, I married young, and to an older man that my parents forbid me to see.  Their wisdom and intent were spot-on, but I was a teenager, and obviously knew more than they did then.  It put a terrible strain on the family relationship, and i certainly didn’t make it easy on them. Finally, after 2 regrettable lost years,  we sat down on a very uncomfortable Saturday 20-something years ago.  We put all of our issues on the table.  My parent’s disappointments/frustrations/upset with me, and mine with them.  I believe it’s the reason my first husband was put into my life; he was the catalyst for something magical.  A relationship that was so broken began the transformation to the unyielding bond we have today.  It took a lot of hard work, effort, and we still made mistakes, but we built nothing short of a solid relationship.  My dad and I started over 21 years ago.  My father is a man of integrity, he’s driven, he loves with his whole heart on his sleeve, we share a similar sense of humor, (so he’s hilarious), he will help you, even when you don’t want it, and he’s *there.*  My dad is present for us.  He drops what he is doing when I call.  He hurts when I hurt.  He tries to find solutions for me when there are none, but most importantly, he accepts me.  He loves me for all my quirks, my backwards way of living my life, he loves my adopted daughter as much as my biological son, and he never wavers in that love and support for me.  Life events aren’t real until I tell my parents about them.  As a single mom, I miss out on having a partner that experiences the feeling of pride and pure joy that comes with watching spiritually good-hearted and amazing children that create, solve, love, and accomplish.  My parents do that with me.  My dad is the consistent role-model for my son. So dad or no dad, my son receives the gifts bestowed by the father from my daddy; the love, the acceptance and all the trimmings that come with unconditional love….. my dad makes it so.  He not only says it in words because we are so far away, but his actions are consistent with his loving rhetoric.

So my son wishes for today to be brother’s day.  It’s not.  It’s Father’s Day.  It’s a day to honor, appreciate, and love the men that are Fathers and do dad-like things for him and us.   Our first order of business is FaceTiming with his grandpa because ‘Grandpa Claus’ loves him with all of his heart.  Happy Father’s Day Daddy.  There isn’t a thing I would change about us.  I love you; from the bottom of my heart I love you, our family, and the man that you are.  I’m proud to be your little girl.

I understand it’s only the end of 4th grade, but I’m kinda freaking out.  I felt like my son would be in elementary school forever.  As a former 4th grade teacher, I was especially excited for this school year, which ended up being quite anticlimactic in that they read Island of the Blue Dolphins in class, and there wasn’t a mission project send home for us to work on together.  I was bitterly disappointed as I was waiting for those.  And now my little man, who has aced grade 4, is preparing to become a 5th grader, and then you know what that means…. middle school.  I’m not ready.  I get all choked up just thinking about it.  Last night he told me to take my last ‘glance’ at him as a 4th grader. That killed me!  My daughter also excelled in preschool, she needs a little improvement in following directions and being nice to others, but then again, so do I.    I don’t feel so bad with her behavior at home, and at least feel there is consistency.  This week I am determined to get her into a big girl bed, and she continues to grow and is so incredibly smart!

This weekend marked the one year anniversary of my quitting my job running the studio.  While not the best financial decision of my life, it was the best mental health decision I made, second to leaving my marriage.  I was working in such a negative, integrity-less environment whose business practices went against my core values.  It felt terrible to draw money out of people as they do, and it’s all just wrong.  They had their showcase this weekend and I had students reach out to me to tell me how much they still miss me and what I brought to the studio.  That made me feel wonderful and loved.

Speaking of great feelings, I am so impressed with how well I am doing these days.  I don’t have a job or any interviews scheduled, but there are a few irons in the fire.  I dedicated last week to dating and went on 4 horrible dates, one decent, and one very nice date.  I am going to see him again, so I’m not going to write about it.  🙂  I also went out with girlfriends this weekend.  What a blessing I have in this.  We went for wine, talked, laughed, supported one-another, accepted one another, and I felt like the luckiest girl on the planet.  It was such a balanced weekend – I did a lot with the kids – bowling, biking, swimming.  I went out with my girlfriends, and enjoyed the beautiful weather.  I have been working on framing my story in my head about my life and I am really feeling the shift of my self-pity to contentment and happiness.  What a difference a practiced attitude shift makes!  I’m late in posting this one, as I have more to write about, so I’ll sign off now!

So I have no idea how to eat anymore.  I can physically put the fork in my mouth, but what to put on that fork is a burning question.  My son and I suffered through the documentary, Vegucated.  If you aren’t familiar, it is a horrifying journey of 3 New Yorkers turing Vegan for 6 weeks.  There is a great deal of information regarding negative environmental factors involved with meat production, but the terror comes with slaughter house footage, how animals are treated, or shall I say mistreated, with a natural dose of adverse health effects common to carnivores.  My little man kept covering his eyes, I was in tears, and he eventually left to tend to his legos while I suffered through the turmoil.  We ate PB&J for a couple of days, and even though he’s back to cheese burgers, he is making some healthier choices.  On our last date celebrating his successful completion of 4th grade he ordered fruit instead of fries, and when his lemonaide was ready for a refill he asked for water instead.  Dr. Furmon, a nutrition expert and doctor that I follow, informed us that it takes 15 times to try a new food for kids to like it.  My meat and grease lover watched this speech, so he has been eating one of everything now and has fully committed to trying new things 15 times.  I think that’s pretty darn cool.  In related news, we also are playing basketball and we walk and hike, fulfilling a new 1 hour of physical activity goal per day.  We are transitioning into a healthier lifestyle for him (I exercise all the time and eat very well).  It feels good and it’s so nice to see progress being made from my nagging efforts and endless worry of if I am taking care of the two of them to the best of my ability.  I won’t always be there to help make good choices, so to see it happening with my eldest means a lot. My daughter is too young, but is a much better eater of veggies.  While I am home, I might as well be doing all of the good I can do.

I have been eating very well as of late.  Everyone around me is sick, and I am trying to side-step that by eating well.  My daughter has a lingering kennel cough from preschool, and she has not been sleeping at night.  I have to say I am tuckered out and I hope I don’t lose the battle to stay well to exhaustion.  I am not feeling 100% today, so it will be early to bed for me, and hopefully a restful night.  I’m not too hopeful.  I have a hard time sleeping as it is, so the added awakenings due to her coughing and crying are not great for my well-being, but that is motherhood for you.  How I wish I could ask someone else to be on duty tonight so that I could sleep though and not feel the worry and responsibility that I live with constantly, but again, that’s motherhood, and I embrace it all – the good, the bad, and the very very tired.

As you can tell from my ramblings, there isn’t much going on for me, period.  No job interviews on the horizon, no dates scheduled, and it’s the last full week of school, so life will shift again for our little family.  I’m focusing on my attitude and how I am framing my story and this time in my life.  I won’t get these years back at home with the kids, and I truly do love being a good mom.  It’s expensive as hell, but when I look back, how will I ever be able to regret that I *had* to spend an extra year or so at home raising two beautiful souls that will be better off for the rest of their lives for it?  Wow, how mature and self-actualized do I sound?  It’s better than me being in tears and feeling sorry for myself.  And to be honest, which is why I am writing all of this, I am actually feeling better about my situation.  I have my days when I am so very down that it hurts, and you have been there with me on some of those dark occasions, but right now I am a little lighter.  My good friend shared her revelation with me; life is about the little choices in the moment, and making them out of love.  I’m going to do that this week.  All my good little choices are going to add up to a different looking week – care to follow and see how that works?   I was already doing a bit better just because I stopped caring so much about the job and finding the solution.  I am doing what I am supposed to do, and the rest is a bit out of my control.  As long as I am doing all of that, then I am trying to let myself off the hook a bit and be okay with staying home, loving on my kids, and enjoying my time with the amazing friends I have.  I like her way better.  It’s more positive, gives more meaning and forces me to focus on the present.

It’s now 5:30am Monday morning.  Mondays are always a day to start over and fresh for the new week.  This week I am going to try to add a few dance lessons, maybe schedule some coffee dates, take my kids to the beach, exercise, eat really well, and be the best me I can be making good choices in the moment out of love.  Let’s see if I can do that, stay upbeat, and figure out a new eating plan.  Care to join me?  What are you making for dinner?