Well, it’s Father’s Day today, and it’s certainly an interesting day in my home. My son tells everyone he doesn’t have a father, and therefore he deems it ‘Brother’s Day,’ in honor of all he does for his little sister. I’m not quite sure what to do that attitude because he does have a father, (and they enjoy each other’s company when they see one another), but he only visits a couple of times a year for 2 days, and they rarely speak in between. Biological dad has chosen the path of un-involvement, which I will never understand, but that’s his tragic loss. Because I love my son so much, I used to help pay for biological dad’s airline flights out to visit, allowed him to stay in my home with us, gave him the use of my car – I used to even buy birthday and Christmas presents ‘from him’, all in the hopes that my son would feel loved and valued by the dad he desperately wants. It’s difficult for my little guy when he sees other dads, men, big brothers, even my dance partner, and craves their attention. Recently my girlfriend’s husband has been hanging out with him for video-game boy nights, and my son is infatuated. I don’t think the Gamer Dad realizes what an impact he has and continues to make on a little boy that has to pick and choose the behaviors of other fathers and piece them together, like a puzzle, to realize the full picture of what it means to be a father.
I always feel that I have failed him in this area of his life. Others tell me that I am the one that has been failed, but I take responsibility for my son’s situation, and I can only be supportive of the healing needed because of his absent father. But then I think about what it means to have a father, and is he really missing all of the pieces? The unconditional love, the role modeling, the teaching the ‘man stuff,’ sports, paling around…. we do that. It may not be the same as having the traditional dad-in-home, but when have I been traditional? I grew up with my father in our home. He worked a lot, and was/is an excellent provider. My memories include time spent on the boat, summers in Catalina, anchoring off the oil islands, beach parties, and I wanted for nothing. But I didn’t feel like he and I had a deep connection. I *may* have taken some extreme measures in my late teens, perhaps angry with him over a myriad of issues……. or I was just a difficult adolescent (hard to imagine, I know). In my terrible rebellion, I married young, and to an older man that my parents forbid me to see. Their wisdom and intent were spot-on, but I was a teenager, and obviously knew more than they did then. It put a terrible strain on the family relationship, and i certainly didn’t make it easy on them. Finally, after 2 regrettable lost years, we sat down on a very uncomfortable Saturday 20-something years ago. We put all of our issues on the table. My parent’s disappointments/frustrations/upset with me, and mine with them. I believe it’s the reason my first husband was put into my life; he was the catalyst for something magical. A relationship that was so broken began the transformation to the unyielding bond we have today. It took a lot of hard work, effort, and we still made mistakes, but we built nothing short of a solid relationship. My dad and I started over 21 years ago. My father is a man of integrity, he’s driven, he loves with his whole heart on his sleeve, we share a similar sense of humor, (so he’s hilarious), he will help you, even when you don’t want it, and he’s *there.* My dad is present for us. He drops what he is doing when I call. He hurts when I hurt. He tries to find solutions for me when there are none, but most importantly, he accepts me. He loves me for all my quirks, my backwards way of living my life, he loves my adopted daughter as much as my biological son, and he never wavers in that love and support for me. Life events aren’t real until I tell my parents about them. As a single mom, I miss out on having a partner that experiences the feeling of pride and pure joy that comes with watching spiritually good-hearted and amazing children that create, solve, love, and accomplish. My parents do that with me. My dad is the consistent role-model for my son. So dad or no dad, my son receives the gifts bestowed by the father from my daddy; the love, the acceptance and all the trimmings that come with unconditional love….. my dad makes it so. He not only says it in words because we are so far away, but his actions are consistent with his loving rhetoric.
So my son wishes for today to be brother’s day. It’s not. It’s Father’s Day. It’s a day to honor, appreciate, and love the men that are Fathers and do dad-like things for him and us. Our first order of business is FaceTiming with his grandpa because ‘Grandpa Claus’ loves him with all of his heart. Happy Father’s Day Daddy. There isn’t a thing I would change about us. I love you; from the bottom of my heart I love you, our family, and the man that you are. I’m proud to be your little girl.
mommydancexi 