My great grandma used to shake her head and with a heavy sigh she would say, “We are in a mess, love, the world is in a mess.” She had no idea 10 plus years ago how understated those words could be. Every day there is some horrific shooting, we are being forced to choose between corrupt political candidates to lead our great country, and terrorism and hateful acts have crippled our lives. And while my problems certainly don’t add up to the tragedy surrounding our existence, I am certainly consumed with them today. Right now my insides are in knots over my micro-world, wondering how the legal system has failed my son, yet again. An institution that was built to protect our rights, has gotten it so very wrong….still.
I rationally understand that my complaints are small; minuscule in comparison to the gross misfortunes and unfair treatment of many others; and to them, my heart breaks. My little world of problems and injustices pales in comparison, but it’s real to me, so I will feel it. I am angry. I feel violated, and I feel wronged. I wasn’t heard and understood. I was quickly judged and didn’t get my fair turn. How many others have suffered with a similar fate, and with much worse outcomes, and are living with their unjust consequences? The anger I feel inside is overwhelming. I don’t have an outlet for it tonight. Tonight I am home with my children; I can’t go running, scream obscenities or even cry because I need to be here for them. But inside I am crying. My son has grown up without a father. The man who could have played this role chose not to participate. He was selfish and chose the life of bachelorhood over our marriage and family. So I have raised my son on my own, and I must not lose sight on what a blessing that has been. It’s been almost 12 amazing years that I have watched this little being grow and thrive. We have our moments, and it’s not always easy, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. He has taught me humility, patience, true priority, and the importance of forging ahead when I have just wanted to curl up and disappear. I will forever try my hardest for my children. They deserve nothing less than my very best. But they deserve that from both parents. My son, has only had me. Not only has ‘the biological’ abandoned him with his physical presence, he is out of touch and offers no emotional support. This is something my son is longing for from him – my son goes as far as to makes excuses as to why his father doesn’t call or come to visit. He craves a hero in him, and I can see the disappointment when his father doesn’t reach out. ….
So after 11.5 year of not contributing, I had my moment in court asking for some assistance and accountability, and the system failed. It failed to understand the situation as it truly is. It failed because oaths to tell the truth, so help us God, were not honored. It failed because the unconditional desire to provide for offspring, no matter how big or small, has fallen off the path and instead selfish and self-serving behaviors have taken over. And in the end, I, the sole provider, carry a heavier load. Astonishing.
I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m dumbfounded. And I’m bitter. Oh so bitter. I have operated under the belief that if I live life with integrity and do my very best, then it will work out. But it didn’t. And frankly, my faith in humanity and the society that we live in is broken. My optimism is clouded and I feel a tremendous depression storming in. I wish I could calm my insides. I wish I could go back to feeling proud of being me, and pitying the man who missed out on the childhood of an amazing boy with a beautiful spirit. How he can live with himself, I will never know. I am glad I will never know. Resiliency will come for me, but for now I am letting the hurt in and these words flow so that I can come back and be the mother and father my son deserves. My life is not a sentence and I hope to quickly move past these devastating feels of injustice. This, too, shall pass….. Adjourned.
mommydancexi 