I found this draft from a few months ago and am deciding to publish it now. Anxiety is a terrible disorder that eats aways at everyday joy and inner peace. I will never give up the fight against these dreaded feelings, and luckily today I am much stronger for it. I am choosing to still post this as keeping the anxious feelings at bay is a daily battle for me. I would love to help others through their anxiety as there are times I am desperate to have someone go through mine with me. I have the upper hand again today, and I will continue to persevere, take care of myself, rely on exercise, and live in gratitude daily to keep the feelings of doom at bay. If you have your own anxiety story, I’d love to hear it.
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Anxiety. I have struggled with waves of severe anxiety ever since I can remember. I was an uptight teen, a wound up ball of nerves as a young adult, and even found myself being admitted to the hospital until I was labeled with the embarrassing diagnosis of suffering from panic disorder. Have you ever had one? A true panic attack I mean? It’s the overwhelming feeling that you are going to die, and there is nothing you can do about it. I would feel like I was actually dying right then, in that moment, and I didn’t have time to kiss my kids, tie up loose ends, or achieve my higher purpose. It’s a terrifying experience that I wish upon very few. 🙂
But thanks to therapy, I have learned to deal with my anxious episodes. 25 years ago it took taking some powerful meds and a great deal of cognitive therapy, but I learned how to invite the anxiety in instead of fight it. I learned to listen to what my body is trying to tell me instead of fighting it. There are times where I find more success than others, but I have survived, and I felt like I finally had the upper-hand on this struggle. It no longer defined me…. until late. I seem to be losing the battle once again. The worry, fear, sometimes terror even, has come back with a vengeance. I am so completely worn down, that I have decided to surrender to the meds once again (I hear they have come a long way since then). And even at this point in my life when I know that I am not going to die from a panic attack, the suffering and worry that accompany the attacks are horrific. If you are blessed and have never experienced the paralyzing fear of an attack, it’s hard to truly understand what it is like. Those that don’t understand anxiety don’t fully understand me. You wouldn’t imagine the pride I feel when I am able to successfully navigate an otherwise seemingly normal situation that used bring me to my knees. You wouldn’t understand how terrified and isolated I feel when the wave of panic washes over me like angry waves in a torrid storm. You would be amazed at how hopeless and weak I am at the mercy of the aggressive fury these episodes bring. Today I am giving up the fight to do this on my own. After 25 years of being med free, I took my first anti-anxiety med this morning. Parts of me are disappointed in myself for not defeating this thief of internal peace by my own will, but most of me is just worn down. I have so much wonderful in my life, and I am tired of my anxious feelings eroding my joy. So wish me luck, and most of all peace. I’ll keep you posted.
mommydancexi 