mommydancexi

I am single again. All the stress, all the worry, all the anticipation, ALL DONE! I am so proud of myself; I am living my truth. I FINALLY listened to me, followed my intuition, and my two days of being back on my own, I feel great. I’m exhausted, but exhilarated.  It’s taking me some time to get my thoughts in writing because I’m living instead of worrying.   That said, I do want to document my feelings so that I can come back to this moment when the loneliness barges in and the depression steals my pleasure.  I want to remember how freeing it feels to have taken care of myself and the kids first. I feel unstoppable, that this is MY life,  and I have the power to shape it any way I want (within reason; Ed Sheeran still hasn’t called me).  I feel alive and full of possibilities instead of limits.  I feel gratitude and excitement for my days ahead.  I am  h a p p y.

I often go hiking with one of my very best friends, W.  Our hikes consist of philosophical pondering, bitching, gossip, body image talk, and we often focus on making drastic and positive changes in our lives. I was actually skipping down the trail with her the morning after the dreaded talk.  W was laughing at my narcissism as I was taking complete pleasure in myself because of my authentic ‘share’ with my now ex-boyfriend. [*Please Note: It was incredibly sad, painful, and difficult time. I cried my eyes out and I hurt one of the nicest men I have met in a long time. None of this rejoice is in losing him, rather it’s in finding me. He’s a perfect guy with incredible qualities, he’s just not perfect for me].  Single Through Summer – W and I made an agreement; we are going to stay single for the entire Summer.  We even clarified if that meant July or August, and I chose August. We moved on and made a goal for the month, but that is for another post. I am addicted to personal progress. More, I want more.

On a loosely related note, I went for a drink with an ex-boyfriend of mine last night.  We broke up around 9 months ago, and dated for about a year prior.  He, although a good person at heart, also was not right for me.  Our relationship was full of strife, extreme highs and lows, and I hated who I was and how I felt while I was with him.  I waited so long to end that relationship; too long.  It was good to look my past in the eye last night and for my heart to say loudly, ‘never again.’  Never again will I go against what I know to be my truth.  Never again will I put anyone’s feelings above mine for the longterm (other than my children of course).  Never again will I sacrifice my integrity and settle for anything less than what is right in my heart.  Sometimes you need a visit from the past to help secure the right path for the future.  And facing the dark and ugly parts of me, forgiving them, and vowing to help them create a positive future is about all I can do.  I am heading into my weekend feeling like Solo is the way to go; one isn’t lonely, it’s freeing…. how long will this feeling last?

It’s so hard, I haven’t done it yet.  Ugh.  I have been sick to my stomach for days, and it’s been hanging over my head for a couple of weeks knowing that I need to break things off with the guy.  Why am I in such agony?  Will I miss him?  Not really, but a little.  Will I cry?  I don’t think so.  Am I scared to be alone? No, I’m craving it.  Then why am I so upset?  Because I am going to hurt his feelings.  Will he get over me?  Pretty quick I think.  Will he be mean or fight for me?  Nope.  Will he understand and respect me? Yes.  So again I ask, what is my problem and why is it consuming me so much?

The short answer:  it is going to be terribly uncomfortable and sad, and will cause disappointment.   That brings on different strains of anxiety in me.  He hasn’t done anything wrong; he’s stable, handsome, intelligent, he’s so nice to me and my kids….. so explaining that this relationship just isn’t right for me is going to be hard. And trust me, it’s not right. ( I could repeat history and make it work fine, but my intuition is screaming at me that he isn’t right, so ok gut, I’m finally listening before I get married). He may ask if he can change a few things, and I will have to say no.  I have noticed that I get anxious when I stick up for myself and what I need; it’s much easier for me to make the other person happy at my expense. I am not doing that anymore.  Oh the years I have spent devoting myself to others that don’t deserve it – D O N E.  And this poor, nice man has the unfortunate opportunity for ME to practice loving and respecting ME.

It strikes me now, I have lost the dream.  I don’t believe in happily ever after anymore; not only have I experienced the pain of being cheated on, lied to, the conflict and upset that goes with fighting, and the disappointment of falling out of love, but I watch it around me.  There are people I love and care about in loveless relationships, wish they were on greener grass, feel stuck, trapped, are cheating on their partner, or feel that they have lost themselves.  What happened to growing old together?  I wanted family traditions, rituals, kisses at night, hugs and love every morning, and to be the center of someone’s universe and them, mine.  Society raised me with this image of what a relationship should be like, how marriage means happily ever after – So I say to you, Society, I think there was a time and place for the institution of marriage, but it’s past.  Society, we have dramatically changed the world and become so technology-driven with connections abound, that I don’t think conventional marriage stands a chance. That is my experience, my truth.  I only envision myself living through a series of monogamous relationships – in and out of love, but holding strong with me.

Well that’s just great for me, but what am I teaching my children? What kind of example am I setting?  They deserve wild happiness for the rest of their lives, and I wish them to share it with someone special like I always thought I would.  However, their role model is showing them that the person they share special things with changes.  They don’t even receive fair and honest explanations as to why that is….My son does not hear the truth of my marriage to his father because it paints his dad in a bad light, and I am choosing not to do that. And shit, I have no clue what I will say to my daughter, first about her birthparents, and then her parents.  I have a lot of explaining to do.  A lot to explain to myself….but first, he’s coming to dinner tonight, and I have to explain it to him. Wish me luck.

As I sit here this morning with my cup of coffee, I love hearing the sound of nothing.  Kids are asleep, everything is still except for my racing thoughts.  I made huge progress this week, yet not much has tangibly changed. That’s ok, it will. Change is certain.  I have a timeline in my head that I would like to see play out, but I am too scared to put it in writing as my plans generally fall to pieces and the universe does her thing.  So, no plan.  (Ok, maybe little ones).

Hoping not to sound too altruistic, but I was in touch with my higher self this week.  I intentionally made decisions that were for the better good of my family, and not just what I wanted to do.  I am pretty damn proud of myself for that.  Put a paycheck to it and life would be grand, maybe a hundred grand.  In all seriousness though, living this way is priceless.  It’s hard, I’m still in a big hot mess, but I feel my integrity intact, and that feels so, so good.  I am listening to me, want to know I have to say?

Be kind and think of how others feel before acting.

Be strong and do what needs to be done (or at least plan to, since I didn’t break it off with the guy yet, but it’s coming, boy is it coming).

Be thankful. I am so rich in love and support from family and friends.  I have so many that are cheering me on, that listen to me, and that don’t see me as the failure I oftentimes feel I am.

Change. Do. Take Action.  This is my biggest one.  I can no longer afford, financially or emotionally, to stay stuck, so I’m making changes and it feels good.

I sat down with my most current ex husband this week for a negotiation that lasted for a couple of hours.  It was hard, emotional, and intense.  There isn’t any trust in that relationship.  I looked at him in the eyes trying to remember why I once loved him. I saw glimmers of it here and there, but what I felt most were uncontrollable moments of disappointment, anger and betrayal.  I couldn’t keep my tears back as we talked and I told him how my heart aches because I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and instead I’m interviewing for very humbling jobs.  We were supposed to take the world by storm and create a future we wanted to live into, raise children that we cherished together, and love one another.  That dream has come and gone.  I’m conflicted because most of me now doesn’t want to be with anyone.  I don’t believe in happily ever after, and I am embracing being on my own…yet a little part of me wants that dream back.  (not him, just with Ed Sheeran).  We agreed to stop the lawyers and try to work on how to financially survive in this beautifully, yet tragically expensive valley. We didn’t come to any earth-shattering solutions, but we communicated well.  I was the bigger person that day and conceded to terms I didn’t need to, but I knew those concessions would make life more tolerable. I showed compassion for all that he is going through. I ignored what I knew were twisted truths for my little girl’s benefit.  I was a true grownup.  And then he forgot to pick up our daughter from preschool…..and I took it all in stride.  Emotional Progress.

This is the most independent I have ever been in my life.  I am not tied to anyone but my kids, and I am focused on making a fun and fulfilling life.  I would like a little guidance on how that is all going to happen, but for now I should embrace that it already is.  Ok, it’s time to make some noise today.  Have a good one.

I have gotten into the habit of writing in the morning, but tonight I felt inclined to try an evening post.  I find myself so much more optimistic in the morning.  Perhaps it’s the promise of a new day, and with that, much to accomplish. I love to accomplish; I long to accomplish. Oftentimes at night I am reflecting on what I didn’t do, bad things that happened, worries for tomorrow, and sometimes just plain loneliness. Last night, after a promising morning, my day fell apart and by the evening I experienced a heart-aching loneliness that I haven’t felt in some time. I simply let myself feel the dark space, and it eventually passed.  I am pleased that I didn’t reach out or try to fill the space.  Instead I just sat with it, and now I have moved on knowing that I can survive such episodes. There’s power in knowing that.

Since the return of our trip my quick fix to life is having a clean and clutter free house.  My mission is to clear my space, organize my loose ends, and make everything sparkle, thus making room for new experiences and opportunities.  This is day three of my intention to purge and clean, and even though I have grand plans to start with my filing, my life keeps getting in the way. So tonight when my lessons canceled, I was excited because I was going to sieze the opportunity and clean! But then a good friend called and invited me out, and it was way more important to go meet her and for our sons to be together, so I rightfully chose that.  And then I was going to come home and clean up, but my little guy has been dying to show me this new game, and that was way more important, so I played with him.  And just now I put a couple of items in the dishwasher and the blog called to me, and cleaning my soul just seemed way more important, so I’m doing this.  And when I am done here, sleeping will be way more important than my clean house, and tomorrow I will find new ways to put it off.  And so it goes.

My thoughts are quite scattered at the end of the day, much more so than they are in the morning.  My words aren’t flowing as easily, but I do want to finish this last subject because today was an emotional day for me.  I made a big decision around getting unstuck and I was scared. I recognized my fears and anxieties, and I went ahead and made a bold and big leap regardless. Yay me… I think.  I have no idea if it will work or not, what the backlash will be, but I took action anyway and it scared the shit out of me. Risks didn’t bother me as much in my 20’s and early 30’s, but when you have two little lives to consider, it’s way scarier. On my way home from my attorney’s office, Rachel Platten’s ‘Fight Song’ came on the radio.

This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I’m alright song

My power’s turned on

Starting right now I’ll be strong, I’ll play my fight song

And I don’t really care if nobody else believes cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

Music affects me in every way.  To know me is to understand that I will always have Pandora playing in the background, and that Ed Sheeran and I have a deep love affair filled with intimate moments of reflection and deep feelings.  (I am not put-off by the fact he does not know me and that we have never met; our connection is deeper than that).  While listening to Rachel’s song today, my mood shifted.  I felt a strength deep down inside, (my gut maybe?) and I felt calmer than I had all day.  Right or wrong, good or bad, I was being the change agent I used to be. Waiting around wasn’t serving me.  My passive, not wanting to rock-the-boat style wasn’t working to make the waters smoother. Crying wasn’t doing much good either, so dammit, I just did SOMETHING to fight for me and my children. My fear of the repercussions of my actions quieted down and I just FELT like I could handle them if needed.  It felt good.  Later I received a call about a job that I had dismissed, and even though it’s not an opportunity that is going to solve my immediate problems, it was something.  And then a second possibility for a job, that again, isn’t the answer, but it introduced yet another possibility.  It was something.  Hell, I needed something today, and I received.  Who cares if my house is a mess, and my space isn’t cleared out yet.  It will be.  But tomorrow I have a job exploration and informational interview. And tonight, in contrast to last night, I can rejoice in my new theme song, and I can celebrate that my son began an activity he actually loves, find gratitude that my friends and I connected, that I am fighting to take control of my life again….all while my house is a mess!

The gut – it is responsible for so much.  My gluten intolerance, my mood (which is directly correlated to it’s exact size and how comfortable it feels in my jeans), my stress, we can stretch this and even say where my son lived for 9 months.  But what mine is best known for is that feeling; that feeling that knows when something is right, or more often, when something is so wrong. Many of us know it as Intuition.  So why the hell have I spent so much time ignoring it?  I ate food that made me sick even when I knew it would.  I purposefully consume junk knowing the pounds will accumulate there and make me sad.  And how about those feelings of ‘maybe he isn’t the right one’ and I went ahead and married him anyway (and him is plural btw).  This complete denial of my gut feelings has come at a great cost to my existence. My poor decision to ignore my intuition has cost me money, wasted time, and sleep, a broken family, and my otherwise happy emotional state.  What I could have avoided if only I had listened, shit, even just acknowledged what I was feeling?  But I didn’t.  And I know I’m not alone in this.  Some good even came out of pushing those feelings aside.  One of the biggest joys in my life, my son, came from being with the wrong man.  And boy did I know he was wrong.  Ask any of my family or friends, and they knew he was wrong.  Hell, put us next to each other and ask any stranger, and they too, would know he was wrong.  But my son is so right.  Since this blog is about me being honest with me, I will say, I knew the father was wrong, but for a few reasons, that I won’t go into here, I needed to have a baby. You see, I KNEW I needed to have a baby (I can’t have one now), and he’s perfect; even his flaws are perfect.  But I also KNEW his father wasn’t the man for me.  So why didn’t I go out and find a better father? Have you ever tried to do that? I’m still single at 41 with absolutely no hint that my other half is out there.  Point being, intuition was spot-on, I just went about making it happen…. harder.  Let’s leave it there.

So let’s see what Chatty Kathy is really trying to say here (no offense to anyone named Kathy – just a nickname my parents have for me). I am claiming to have a pretty strong woman’s intuition that I have spent most of my adult life working against, and living in conflict with, which has led me to a place where I am struggling every day just to find my ‘normal’ and live a happy, purposeful, and fulfilling life while being able to provide for my children both emotionally and financially. (I’m totally aware that is a run-on sentence and I am ok with it).  I have always had a plan, a course, and an idea of how to proceed and make things work…..until now.  This is the FIRST time in my life (that I can remember) where I am truly and utterly at a loss.  I have no fucking idea how the hell to be there for my children and find a job/career that will provide for us, and live a balanced life I am proud of.  I could do each one of those separately just fine, but put them all together and you get a sleepless, irritable, sad, angry, scared, and lonely little girl who is overwhelmed and feels in over her head with the world on her shoulders. Wow, I don’t think I have ever quite put it out there like that, and it brings me to tears to write it, knowing that, that is my truth RIGHT NOW. Today.  That’s it.  Read it again.  I feel stuck, grief and anger at my very core, and paralyzed not knowing what to do next.

Through my period of being stuck, and mind you, it’s been a couple of years now… yes, years, my mother said that I have been out of touch with my intuition, and she has been right.  So gut, I am listening.  I’d appreciate it if you would speak up and guide me a little here, but it seems that the guidance comes only when it’s decision time.  Otherwise it’s just an overall feeling of ‘this isn’t working girlfriend, try something that feels better/right/whole/complete.’

Do you ever start a diet on a Monday?  I always do.  But today it is Tuesday.  I’m declaring today as my Monday.  Today only good things for my gut, other than my mandatory cup of coffee I have beside me.  Today good food goes in me.  Today I get my hair done by a good friend of mine, and I get a new look (don’t we always feel better after getting our hair done?).  Today I continue my job search, but with the attitude of who might get lucky and have me at their company instead of me needing them – btw, my gut says searching the job boards isn’t the way this is going to get accomplished, and I need to network, so I guess today I network.  Today I will be honest with the guy I have been ‘seeing’ because he isn’t right for me and no matter how nice he is, gut says no.  Today I am going to check off 5 things from my long to-do list – gut says 5 is too many, so I’ll a few done. And today I am going to love and appreciate the people I have in my life that support me, because dammit, without them, I would be reduced to nothing.  But most importantly, today I am going to listen to me and take care of my gut.  Happy Monday.

So here I am.  It’s quiet.  It’s dark.  It’s 4am.  I am up.  I usually find myself up in the early morning hours.  I mostly stress about the fact that I am not sleeping and that I will be exhausted during the day, which brings me to the unfailing inability to sleep through the night over and over again.  So today I will try something new, and just accept it.  So, I’ll be tired.  There are worse things.  I have been tired before, and I will be tired again. Next.

This week the kids and I are visiting my parents and extended family.  It’s been a beautiful week and I have enjoyed our trip immensely.  Today we honor and celebrate my grandfather’s 90th birthday.  He has been a man that has made a profound (and I’m not necessarily talking in a good way) impact on so many of our lives. Even I, his granddaughter, did not escape his overreaching power to bring upset and sadness into my life years ago. (We all have dysfunction in our families, so I’m not feeling like a victim, just keeping it real). He and my saint of a grandmother (rest her soul) raised 5 children, are/were proud grandparents to I don’t know how many grandchildren, and now a handful of great grand children, mine being 2 of them. My grandmother passed away as I adopted my daughter, and even when she was sick, she took the time to make her a baby blanket.  She crocheted the cozy pink blanket (that my daughter isn’t allowed to touch), and it has a big line where she messed up the pattern, much like God messed up by taking her from us, and that is my favorite part of that prized possession of mine. …. I digress –

My grandfather served our country in the second World War, which I find incredibly honorary of him. I know he has had many wonderful qualities, and I don’t mean to be down on him, but he has also caused a great deal of pain to most, if not all, of his children.  That part is the sad legacy to leave behind.  I traveled the distance this week, not for him, but to spend time with my extended family and to support my mother; she is amazing with family events/milestones, and puts her heart and soul into making these occasions meaningful and special.  She is the reason why I take family so seriously.  Her unfaltering love, her ability to forgive, and her ability to accept without visible judgment (who knows what goes on in that wise mind of hers) are all qualities, or shall I call them abilities, that I admire most about her.  I know my children don’t always see the true me – the sad me, the part where I doubt my actions, decisions, and worry that I am doing what is right for them.  I don’t know if my mother lived with the fears and anxieties I live with when it came to raising my brother, sister, and myself; we are all very different children, but I think she did a stellar job.  The light I cast her in is the all-knowing and all fixing one. I still do the things she told me to as a child:  when life gets too hard and overwhelming, I take a bath.  A bath just fixes problems.  Why? Because she told me so, so try it.  (If you live in California – take a small one because we are in a drought).  My mother’s complete dedication to family is the reason why I went through so much to stay at home with my children.  She was there for us; she was always there.  After school she picked us up, she was home to struggle through schoolwork with me; I hated when she edited my papers because she caused so much ‘extra work,’ however, secretly I knew it would be worth it because I always turned in something I was proud of.  I learned how to make a production out of school projects; I had the most creative spin on any school assignment thanks to her creative visions.  She packed healthy lunches, she took me to doctor appointments since I was a stressed out teen, she drove me to singing lessons, show rehearsals, friend’s houses, all of it.  We were her job and she took it seriously.  I like to think I do that with my kids.  They are still too young, but I see early results, some good and some in need of help, in my children.  But it’s the job I always wanted.  I thought I’d have a partner to do it with, but that’s a subject for another day….or month.

To almost wrap up my rambling post, last night my mother prepared a wonderful dinner and pre-party for my grandfather.  She did it masterfully, and I was simply happy to be here. I don’t mean it was nice to be here, I mean at my core, I was HAPPY.   I could have been at a dance competition last night, which are events I rarely get to attend but absolutely love, but last night there was nowhere else I wanted to be.  My daughter met her great uncles for the first time, my son was the technology guy figuring out how we are going to Skype with my cousins in Ireland today, and I was totally and completely present in the moment. I didn’t even check my phone – whoa.

While doing the dishes I had a chance to talk with my aunt and she gave me ideas for new ways of thinking – she is good like that. My state of unemployment is this weight I carry on my shoulders.  She, like my mother, told me that I do have the most important job in raising my kids, and that my focus on finding full-time employment needs to go to the back-burner.  I am not sure how I am going to finance this operation, but since stressing and worrying about it hasn’t helped I decided to keep my vow of changing my life, and I am going to give that advice a whirl. Afterall, I want to enjoy life and not constantly fret about it.  This worrier wants to laugh and dance with my children and truley  live in the moment, not the Hallmark way, but the real way.  So today, as we celebrate 90 years for Grandpa, I am going to celebrate the day with the people I love.  I can do that.  Tired or not tired, today will be a good day because I am going to be there, really really be there.  I hope you are there in your life today too.

I find myself in this crazy situation.  I’m in my early 40’s, divorced a couple of times (we will leave numbers out of this), I have two beautiful children (one biological, one adopted) with two different fathers, two custody battles, unemployed other than some part-time work, and trying to make it in a crazy, unaffordable, but beautiful town.  What is a mother to do?  Well, this one has done a lot- I have thrown fits, cried myself to sleep, been depressed…. none of those seem to be helping, so today is the dawn of a new day.  And it’s not even dawn yet.  I don’t sleep much, so my loving mother suggested I start writing.  She says I need a project.  Well, I might as well since I have the time, and nothing else seems to be working… so, hello!  Here’s my little virtual soap box where I can write anonymously, bitch about what is not working in my life, and hopefully sort though my issues, record the craziness of my life, in the hopes that one day I will look back on this and laugh and say it was all worth it.  Will I?  Just asking myself that brings tears to my eyes.  I always thought of myself as completely ‘put-together.’  I was the person I wanted to be.  I am smart, very educated, physically fit, I look young for my age, I’m told I’m attractive, I have two AMAZING kids, loving friends, an incredible family – I am set up for success….but that success is eluding me right now.  Instead I am stuck, sad, sleep-deprived, stressed, and disappointed in myself.  How did that happen?  Can I put my finger on the one thing that led me down the ‘wrong path?’ Was that path wrong, or do I just think so now because I don’t have everything figured out?  I thought my 40’s would be filled with family, fun, a rewarding career, a stable marriage with a life-partner; that I would be part of a team, and not just a team, but a winning team.  And as I write this, I have this little voice that is trying to scream to me that I have all that I need, that I am winning, that I am lucky, and my children are my success.  It’s that little optimist in me that I don’t allow to come to the surface completely.  She’s there, I don’t banish her completely, and sometimes I wonder why she persists and gives me chances day after day as I push her down to what I feel is an appropriate level so that I have just the right amount of self-pity.

I have so many thoughts and ideas to discuss and explore.  I am overwhelmed by all of the topics I now find myself wanting to write about.  Why did I wait so long to take my mom’s advice?  Why do I dwell on questions like that?  I took it, I enlisted the help of a good friend to get me started, and here I am.  Live in the present, dammit.  Stop looking back, and just move forward.  So forward it is.  I want to make dramatic changes.  I envision myself down the road, now this is silly – don’t laugh, as a motivational speaker that tells the story of this terrible place I was, and how I changed the world.  How?  I have no fucking idea. But I want to.  I need to.  I am dying for some purpose, some greatness, and something to accomplish.  So I start here.  I start with this little blog, and I will tackle topic after depressing topic of my little life in hopes that I can validate it with myself and move on.  It’s time to get unstuck.  I love to dance, and in dance, like any hobby, you reach a plateau and some breakthrough is required in order to advance to the next level and achieve greatness.  So, 5,6,7,8, here I go.