Intuition – Why I Won’t Ignore It Any Longer

The gut – it is responsible for so much.  My gluten intolerance, my mood (which is directly correlated to it’s exact size and how comfortable it feels in my jeans), my stress, we can stretch this and even say where my son lived for 9 months.  But what mine is best known for is that feeling; that feeling that knows when something is right, or more often, when something is so wrong. Many of us know it as Intuition.  So why the hell have I spent so much time ignoring it?  I ate food that made me sick even when I knew it would.  I purposefully consume junk knowing the pounds will accumulate there and make me sad.  And how about those feelings of ‘maybe he isn’t the right one’ and I went ahead and married him anyway (and him is plural btw).  This complete denial of my gut feelings has come at a great cost to my existence. My poor decision to ignore my intuition has cost me money, wasted time, and sleep, a broken family, and my otherwise happy emotional state.  What I could have avoided if only I had listened, shit, even just acknowledged what I was feeling?  But I didn’t.  And I know I’m not alone in this.  Some good even came out of pushing those feelings aside.  One of the biggest joys in my life, my son, came from being with the wrong man.  And boy did I know he was wrong.  Ask any of my family or friends, and they knew he was wrong.  Hell, put us next to each other and ask any stranger, and they too, would know he was wrong.  But my son is so right.  Since this blog is about me being honest with me, I will say, I knew the father was wrong, but for a few reasons, that I won’t go into here, I needed to have a baby. You see, I KNEW I needed to have a baby (I can’t have one now), and he’s perfect; even his flaws are perfect.  But I also KNEW his father wasn’t the man for me.  So why didn’t I go out and find a better father? Have you ever tried to do that? I’m still single at 41 with absolutely no hint that my other half is out there.  Point being, intuition was spot-on, I just went about making it happen…. harder.  Let’s leave it there.

So let’s see what Chatty Kathy is really trying to say here (no offense to anyone named Kathy – just a nickname my parents have for me). I am claiming to have a pretty strong woman’s intuition that I have spent most of my adult life working against, and living in conflict with, which has led me to a place where I am struggling every day just to find my ‘normal’ and live a happy, purposeful, and fulfilling life while being able to provide for my children both emotionally and financially. (I’m totally aware that is a run-on sentence and I am ok with it).  I have always had a plan, a course, and an idea of how to proceed and make things work…..until now.  This is the FIRST time in my life (that I can remember) where I am truly and utterly at a loss.  I have no fucking idea how the hell to be there for my children and find a job/career that will provide for us, and live a balanced life I am proud of.  I could do each one of those separately just fine, but put them all together and you get a sleepless, irritable, sad, angry, scared, and lonely little girl who is overwhelmed and feels in over her head with the world on her shoulders. Wow, I don’t think I have ever quite put it out there like that, and it brings me to tears to write it, knowing that, that is my truth RIGHT NOW. Today.  That’s it.  Read it again.  I feel stuck, grief and anger at my very core, and paralyzed not knowing what to do next.

Through my period of being stuck, and mind you, it’s been a couple of years now… yes, years, my mother said that I have been out of touch with my intuition, and she has been right.  So gut, I am listening.  I’d appreciate it if you would speak up and guide me a little here, but it seems that the guidance comes only when it’s decision time.  Otherwise it’s just an overall feeling of ‘this isn’t working girlfriend, try something that feels better/right/whole/complete.’

Do you ever start a diet on a Monday?  I always do.  But today it is Tuesday.  I’m declaring today as my Monday.  Today only good things for my gut, other than my mandatory cup of coffee I have beside me.  Today good food goes in me.  Today I get my hair done by a good friend of mine, and I get a new look (don’t we always feel better after getting our hair done?).  Today I continue my job search, but with the attitude of who might get lucky and have me at their company instead of me needing them – btw, my gut says searching the job boards isn’t the way this is going to get accomplished, and I need to network, so I guess today I network.  Today I will be honest with the guy I have been ‘seeing’ because he isn’t right for me and no matter how nice he is, gut says no.  Today I am going to check off 5 things from my long to-do list – gut says 5 is too many, so I’ll a few done. And today I am going to love and appreciate the people I have in my life that support me, because dammit, without them, I would be reduced to nothing.  But most importantly, today I am going to listen to me and take care of my gut.  Happy Monday.